Fall Has Come?

Autumn seems to have arrived: the air is cooler, even cold, especially early in the morning. Now when I let the cat out onto the porch in the morning I close the door behind her, and I find it difficult shedding my warm pajamas for crisper clothing.

My mood is subdued, my energy waning. Is it a seasonal shift? I wonder, or is it an accumulation of sleep deprivation resulting from allergies and early-rising, loud-meowing cat? Either way, I find myself feeling out of sorts more frequently than I'd like - a sort of mental bloat.

The department chair has approached me about carrying a full load in the spring. It is a generous offer, as it means a substantial increase in income. I feel a certain reluctance, partly because of the work it represents, partly because it feels like a step backwards to be teaching again, and partly because I am already regretting my inability to make the full use of the free time I do have now. There are so many things I would like to do, and there is not time enough for all of them as it is.

I do not do intensely busy well anymore. I struggled with it during graduate school, and eventually found ways to cope, but I think I was designed for a slower pace. In life I'm a long-distance through-hiker, not a sprinter. I can manage short bursts of speed, but like a cat, my endurance is low, and I tire and become distracted easily.

Or maybe it's just fall, and I haven't been sleeping well.

Comments

[Jill Smith]

Would this be the same type of busy-ness? Could you ration your time differently and try to achieve the pace and balance you are seeking?

It sounds (from the outside) like it wouldn't necessarily be a step "back." You have a lot to teach, and just knowing you through the blog, I think you are a natural teacher, whether or not that is your chosen profession.

[Pica]

It's a lot to ponder when your body feels like hunkering down. Hope you're able to give yourself room to do that...

[Rana]

I might be able to manage the time differently, but it would require either maintaining a consistent level of intense focus (no "wasted" time) or accepting a lower standard for the work I do, and probably both. Neither really appeals to me; I don't like doing things half-assed, but I also know that whenever I make plans that require consistent effort without any lapses, it never works.

I think it feels like a step back because, well, there's no future in it, and when the going gets hard I lose interest really fast. It's a job, not a calling, and it's a job that is very demanding and only intermittently rewarding. I find it discouraging that I'm good at it, in fact, because it's also part of why I didn't fight harder to linger in academia - I was burning out, and teaching is the least rewarding aspect of academic life for me. It's hard knowing that the job one is good at is also the job that one doesn't really want to do anymore.

(At least teaching in a professional sense, versus an informal sharing of knowledge sense. Sitting down with students and chatting about interesting things is fun, as is reading up on new stuff. Writing lectures, grading papers, etc., not so much. And it is a HUGE time-suck, above and beyond the theoretical working hours. Even now, I only manage one or two genuinely free days a week, plus nights; the others are all spent on prep work, grading, etc. And that's just ONE class. I'm afraid that teaching four would require giving up all my free time just to keep my head above water.)