Trying Not to Be Bitter -- and Failing Again

Still alive. Still depressed. Still fucked.

I appreciate all your support and advice, but it makes me cry and feel guilty and even more depressed. I'm not capable of living up to your faith in me.

I'm going to bed. I'm capable of that, at least.

Comments

[Jimbo]

Just a big virtual hug.

jwb

[yami]

Well, I don't have any good advice today, but I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that you don't need to live up to our faith in you, or do anything to earn our continuing support. It's there regardless, so nyah.

It's normal and okay to be depressed when life hands you changes you can't predict or control, and wouldn't have chosen for yourself. It doesn't mean you're lacking in willpower!

I'm still sending warm thoughts southward.

[Phantom Scribbler]

There's nothing you have to live up to. We just love you, that's all.

[jo(e)]

What Phantom said. It's okay if you need to be bitter and depressed and out of sorts right now. We still love you anyhow.

[Scrivener]

Oh, Rana! more hugs.

[russianviolets]

Yes, hugs and a promise that it WILL get better. And I'm the most pessimistic bitch alive.

[brina]

This set of events, as far as I can tell, has nothing to do with you as a person, worker, writer, thinker... I'm sure you'll find something. And if not, you'll be able to make something. Hope you're feeling better soon.

[butuki]

Sorry Rana... your reaction to the comments of the last post is exactly what I feared you would do. Which is why I usually don't leave "hugs" and "you're all right" comments... I find them unhelpful and often just a little self-indulgent. I just hope I didn't make you cry, too, or if I did, that it was a cry-to-sleep kind of cry.

Usually I retreat into myself at such times and don't get on the internet. Or I go for very long walks in the mountains. I find putting myself through physical hardship often lets me forget, for a while, the pain and anger. Sometimes it brings me renewed vigor and self-confidence. There is nothing like reaching the top of a big mountain to put things in perspective.

But perhaps the best "cure" is Dorothea Salo's solution: kick yourself in the butt and just do what you have to do. Don't give your mind time to play games with you.

[Nomadic Postdoc]

Or, if you don't feel like kicking yourself in the butt, what exactly is wrong with crawling into bed & pulling the blankets over your head? Sometimes crappy stuff happens; sometimes it's impossible to be happy; sometimes the obligation to be cheerful & productive is too overwhelming. I don't see any harm in acknowledging that & responding in the same way you would for, say, a bad bout of flu.

Still, I join everyone else in saying I hope you feel better soon.

[timna]

I'm all for crawling into bed as an appropriate solution. eventually I get enough of that, and come out.
For my son, who often gets sad, we've read _the blue day_ book or anything like this which reminds us that there is tomorrow (usually) and that we get to do with it what we wish (more or less). hope your tomorrow is better.

[Chris Clarke]

What Nomadic Postdoc said.

[P/H]

What everybody else has said, especially Phantom, Nomadic Postdoc, and Timna. Don't feel like we've been creating unrealistic expectations that you have to live up to; we're just going on what we know of you, and right now our view of you is more optimistic than your own. But trust us when we say you're an extraordinary person and things will eventually look up. In the meantime, if it feels better to spend a few days hiding out under the blankets, go for it. We'll still be here for you when you come back. :)

[Jill Smith]

Yep. What everyone else has already said far more eloquently than I can.

[dale]

Um, I wrote you a poem.

[Rana]

I saw it. It's beautiful. Thank you.

[T.V.]

Rana,

Deepest sympathies.

Don't give in to Authentic Happiness Coaching. It leads to the dark side.

[Another Damned Medievalist]

All the vibes you've ever sent me to infinity! It will be ok. Really. If you can see the lo-cats in life, it really is ok. The lo-cats are the important things, sometimes.